Confession #6

Sometimes when I am in deep thought, I unconsciously wish to have a simple innocent love story just like what we usually see in TV dramas. 

I started to like someone when I was in high school. I think it's a different form of like. It was more than admiration but less than love. That was when I also started to picture different scenarios in my mind - meeting someone, being friends, feelings going deeper, realizing you like someone, confessing, being together, and so on. Innocent things. Simple ones. More on having butterflies in the stomach. I did have someone to like but it always ended up before we even got together. I didn't complain because it was a good memory and I thought someday I'll have mine. 

People have changed over years and so how they approach relationships. Before you go from the lowest level to a higher one in a slowly but surely manner, but now the levels are all messed up. Change has to happen I know - that is inevitable. Some are in the highest level already without even passing most of the lower levels. Some may start on the lower ones but directly shoot their way up to the highest in no time. What happened? I may haven't gone to the higher levels yet but I am guilty of some other things. But even so, I still wish for that innocent relationship to welcome me again. 

I came across it for three times in my life and they were the best. 

It was my first love for the first time. 

It was a lost love for the second time. 

And it was an unrequited love for the third time. 

All of them played a good part in my past and maybe that's why I always hope to come across that feeling once again. It's fine even if I don't end up in the higher levels once again. I just want to feel again how it feels to love someone gradually; not knowing what it is until it deepens and it hurts and it feels like you cannot hide it any longer and end up confessing and being together for real. 

Yes. That kind of feeling.

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I was just walking

strolling along the park, actually

it took time 

before I realized

I was running 

and out of breath

I stopped

then smiled

as I was not alone anymore

-men.

Confession #5

*Please be advised that content may be a little sensitive for some.*

Last night, I realized I may not be a fan of "being one" with a partner. Not in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Maybe not even in marriage. 

There are times when I think of this thing. I think of what I'd feel and what would happen. I wonder why people do it, why some people think it's a necessity, and why most think it's essential in a relationship especially in marriage. Well, marriage is a different thing but in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, why do some people demand it like the extent of their relationship depends on it? Why? I don't understand. Do people really seek it that much? Is it that difficult to control oneself? Is the urge too strong that one can't say no to it? I don't know. 

I have some friends who told me that there are times when you really want it bad. Some said I'll just know I'd like to do it when I'm emotionally ready. Some said it just happens like it's a natural phenomenon. Ugh. I don't know. The idea of it disgusts me to the point that I'd rather die alone than to be in relationship where that deed is inevitable. This may be the reason alone why I won't have someone in my life. 

I told myself before that I'll never do it with my partner until I am married to him. So in my past relationship, that was a major condition. I know men tend to have their urges. I know sometimes they look for this or worse, expect their partner to say "yes" to this. Well, I don't have a problem with that. They can have it but not with me. They can look for another girl who's willing to give it. If he cheats on me, it's fine. If this will be the reason of our break up, it's fine. I won't bend over backwards just to make him stay. I'd rather break up with him than break my principle. 

But then last night I realized I may not be a fan of it completely. Not in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Maybe not even in marriage. And maybe not even at all. 

I'd rather not enter a relationship where someday even after marriage, I won't still consider to do this with my husband. I'd rather not have someone expect something from me that even after he patiently waited, I still might not have the heart to do it. 

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it's best to stay away

than risk it

leave it, never take it.

better yet, don't even look at it. 

- men.