My MDZS Relapse, maybe part 1

I started to read SVSSS today and I decided to listen to The Untamed's OST while reading. It was a mistake! I can't focus on reading SVSSS as the memories of MDZS keeps on flashing back. I haven't watched the Donghua version of MDZS yet so what I was remembering were the scenes of The Untamed series. 

As you all know, The main characters have their own OST in The Untamed. When I first realized that these songs are dedicated to each character - some actors also sang their own character's song, I was delighted. It seems that the characters were alive and telling their stories and emotion through this song. It was both heartbreaking and beautiful. 

My favorite was, of course, the OST of Wei Wuxian, Qu Jin Chen Qing which was sung by Xiao Zhan. I like the voice of Xiao Zhan, but it was the message of the song that moved me. Well, all of the OSTs of the characters make me tear up. They are all fantastic. 

Before I go through this song, I want to start with Bu Wang. It was a song dedicated to Lan Zhan. This song talks about the struggle of Lan Zhan between what is considered generally right and what is right for his heart. A battle between the mind and the heart. As we all know. Lan Zhan was raised as a model student/cultivator. His mind was instilled with the rights and the wrong, with what's considered right and wrong by the older generation or the public. Since meeting Wei Ying, his world has changed little by little unintentionally. But because he was still young, he didn't know how to handle this emotion. When he started to have feelings for Wei Ying and Wei Ying started to do things that were considered evil by the common people, he was convinced that Wei Ying was indeed being consumed by evil and he tried to persuade Wei Ying to stop, calm him down, and to even hide him in Cloud Recesses. He didn't know what else to do. He knows he wants to save him and be there for him but because of his principles, he cannot cross the line and be there for Wei Ying a hundred percent. With this, he lost him eventually and this became his life regret. Through this song, the pain can be felt. The immense pain after Wei Ying died and how he could have saved him devoured him over and over again. He might have tried calling his soul, punishing himself, isolating himself from the world because of this. I cannot imagine the regret and pain he was feeling. It must have killed him to live with this. So when he had the chance to meet Wei Ying again, he went all in. He did not hesitate anymore. He believed in him, supported him, and did not leave his side. He didn't care for what others will say of him. He didn't care if this will taint his reputation. All he cared about was being there for Wei Ying. 

"I locked my feelings a long time ago when Mother chose to leave me. Since then, I thought nothing can terrify me anymore. However, in that Nightless City, when you stood at the edge of the cliff with tears flowing from your eyes, I never knew that a tomorrow without you in it will become my greatest fear. I saw helplessness in your eyes and I knew what you were thinking. I tried to talk you out of it, to persuade you to come back. I tried to run to you, to hold you up, to still persuade you, but your eyes showed me your pain. I knew then I wasn't enough for you to live anymore. It hurt but I didn't care. I just wanted you to come back, even if it was not for me. But, it was too late. I was too late."

"After your death, all I was able to see was my regret, my hesitation, my ignorance. I should have been there for you when no one believed you and when you are alone. I should have never doubted you. I can't imagine you being alone in that world when I could have been there. It was a miracle to have met you again. Knowing that you will be there when I reach out my hand is something I can't put my head around, thus, I will not waste it. This time, I will be there for you as long as you want to. You can treat me however you like. Always know that I believe you and I support you. Don't think that you will be alone again. Don't be afraid, I will always be here. For sure."

Okay. I am overflowing with Lan Zhan's feelings now. Too much. I can't bear the pain anymore. Hearing Bu Wang again made me remember the hardship of Lan Zhan and his dedication when Wei Ying came back. They were perfect for each other. They deserve each other. They deserve what they have. They deserve their happiness. 

Since I poured out all my emotions, I do not have the strength to continue anymore. I'll come back when I have the emotions to continue this again. 

tian guan ci fu dump

 i finished reading tian guan ci fu yesterday and i can say it as a heartbreaking but nevertheless beautiful story. not just for the main couple, but also for the side characters. i was in awe the whole time how the author, mo xiang tong xiu, thought of the whole story. i read that she wrote the whole story because of a specific scene she imagined. i was definitely amazed by that. her imagination, world-building, and style of writing are definitely top-notch. 

let's start with the world-building. there may be several stories with almost the same world as this but this is the first time i experienced reading this kind of world. from the heavenly capital to the ghost realms, to the rules and conditions, to the scenarios, oh the plot. very chef kiss. she might have had help from others but i think most came from her research and imagination. i read that she researched and visited several places for foundation or motivation but she completely created the story and characters from scratch. so good. so so so good. 

for the characters, most if not everyone has been explored. the life stories, the personalities, the quirks, the flaws. i understood why they do the way they do. i understood why they said what they said. and the personalities totally matched the dialogue. so perfect! the author really is so good with her craft. it feels like i really met these characters and interacted with them. i loved some of them and hated some. i just love how they were created. even though there are a lot of characters, not one has the same plain personality as another. it was good. 

for the plot, oh dear. another chef kiss. at fist, i thought the story is just random and can be read even without reading an arc. it's good that i read without skipping because every arc is important. it is not like episodal at all! they are all intertwined with another. and, as i was reading, i was thinking how mxtx thought of that scenario or thought of that twist. it's like her mind is another universe and i want to live in it. i believe there are invaluable treasures buried in there. penny for your thoughts? no. a penny will never be enough for hers. 

for our hualian. hualian, hualian. oh hualian. need i say more? you will be the death of me. ehem hua cheng. at first i though xie lian is just a typical main character. i thought i would not love him the way i loved wei wuxian. but boy i was wrong. while wei wuxian is definitely gold, xie lian is a diamond. xie lian is in his own league. he seems to be someone who needs protection but he definitely doesn't. sometimes i think hua cheng is really not needed to protect him. xie lian can definitely protect himself. but of course, hua cheng is definitely needed in xie lian's life. they need each other. they are made for each other. soulmates as well. there is no one more suited than them for each other. 

their past is definitely not easy, not rainbows and butterflies. i thought it will be a fluffy story but nooooo, i was so wrong. the pain was indescribable. the things that they went through. how xie lian suffered before his second ascension and how hua cheng wasn't able to do anything to save xie lian. the way they screamed together during the pain. oh. thinking about it makes my heart ache for them. xie lian may have moved on from the past but definitely not hua cheng. i cried when i read he still cannot forget how xie lian was stabbed and will not permit xie lian to be stabbed by any sword again. even though xie lian was used to the pain, hua cheng still doesn't want xie lian to feel any pain again. 

this story is just so sad. when i finished the story, i was finally able to sigh of relief. finally, finally they are together, free from pain of the world. finally, they are free to love and be with each other. finally. they deserve everything.