If I were not a coward...

If I were not a coward, I would've told you in that letter years ago that I like you, not liked you. 

If I were not a coward, I would not have even given you a letter but told you myself. 

I would've told you how much I have been liking you and how I couldn't contain it anymore. But I didn't. 

If I were not a coward, I would've told you how you made my last year in college fun and exciting. It was actually one of the years I still think of until today and I would've told you then that how I was sure I would treasure it forever. 

I would've told you how I liked the hours we spent talking, the walks we did, the food we ate, the nights we spent goofing around, the few mornings we celebrated, and that one hug we shared. 

My admiration, my affection for you then was innocent and harmless. I liked the company you offered and I was happy with that. I actually didn't know what I wanted to do with that feeling, if I want us to be in a relationship or if I want more years than that. I was already happy with the days, weeks, months we shared and I couldn't ask for more. It was one of the years when my heart was clear and free from the dark smoke it always had. 

But I was a coward. And I was vague. And I did not make my feelings known as what they were. I pretended it was something else and thought it would be fine. Clearly, even though I have been telling myself I wouldn't care about your reaction, I knew deep down I would still. 

And yes, it was what you have given me, or the lack of it. Still, in the end, I was still disappointed. The ending was still the same. Now, I can't help but think if it would be different if, even just once, I were not a coward.

Jude, oh, Jude.

I perfectly understand you. I understand why you did what you did and I don't blame you for it. Life is tough, so is everything that comes with it. Living is worse. Finding a good reason to live is worst. 

You may only exist in paper but I can feel you. You are within me, silently asking for help, silently wishing someone to hear the knocks I am making. I grew numb the longer I read you and maybe that's because that's what pain does to someone who constantly feels it. You just grow numb to it unknowingly and you just wish for it to end. 

You are braver than me when you did what you did. I am not brave enough to do that, but I understand how you chose to live in spite of the pain. Or maybe not. Maybe our reasons are different. But even so, I know both of our roots are not deeply rooted to the earth and I know we'll let go once a typhoon comes to root us out. I know I will. 

You found your Willem, maybe I won't find mine. That's okay. 'Cause I know when I find mine, I won't last three years when I lose him. You are strong. 

Why do they insist on us living when we obviously don't want to? I was frustrated when they forced you to live. Isn't that the same as murder? Forcing someone to live is like killing someone. Same cruetly. Maybe it won't make sense to others, but it makes sense to me. You just want everything to stop but they still insist on you to breathe. You feel every needle piercing inside you, it's making you go crazy and you just don't want to feel anything anymore. 

You must be happy with Willem up there now, aren't you? Must be nice. I wish I was brave as you so I will be happy, too. 

Eureka!

 

I never thought I'd find an answer to one of my unanswered questions in a short story in A03. 

"It's easy to drop everyone when you've dropped yourself."

I've always wondered why I always moved on from people faster than anyone else. It's not because there's little care or love or concern for them, but it's because I just don't care about life or my life, specifically. 

When something bad happens, I may get frustrated but a minute later, I'd just shrug and think, "well, that's too bad." Or if someone leaves, I'd be sad but after a short while, I'd shrug again and think, "if that's what they want and they don't need me anymore, then, okay." 

There was a point in my life when I just stopped caring altogether. Like I know everything is not permanent in my life and would eventually disappear at some point. I just stopped chasing anything. I just float. Everything comes and goes. 

So when I read this line, I was surprised with how it echoed something in me. That's it. I have dropped myself for a long time and never considered picking it back up again.