Jude, oh, Jude.

I perfectly understand you. I understand why you did what you did and I don't blame you for it. Life is tough, so is everything that comes with it. Living is worse. Finding a good reason to live is worst. 

You may only exist in paper but I can feel you. You are within me, silently asking for help, silently wishing someone to hear the knocks I am making. I grew numb the longer I read you and maybe that's because that's what pain does to someone who constantly feels it. You just grow numb to it unknowingly and you just wish for it to end. 

You are braver than me when you did what you did. I am not brave enough to do that, but I understand how you chose to live in spite of the pain. Or maybe not. Maybe our reasons are different. But even so, I know both of our roots are not deeply rooted to the earth and I know we'll let go once a typhoon comes to root us out. I know I will. 

You found your Willem, maybe I won't find mine. That's okay. 'Cause I know when I find mine, I won't last three years when I lose him. You are strong. 

Why do they insist on us living when we obviously don't want to? I was frustrated when they forced you to live. Isn't that the same as murder? Forcing someone to live is like killing someone. Same cruetly. Maybe it won't make sense to others, but it makes sense to me. You just want everything to stop but they still insist on you to breathe. You feel every needle piercing inside you, it's making you go crazy and you just don't want to feel anything anymore. 

You must be happy with Willem up there now, aren't you? Must be nice. I wish I was brave as you so I will be happy, too.