I am programmed this way.

 I don't understand love. Heck, I don"t even know if it's something I can understand. Just like what Skylar told Cirrus, maybe I'm the same. Maybe in some way, I have been loved but I don't know it because I don't know what it feels like. I just don't know. 

What is a family? You don't choose them. When you were born and start to have consciousness of what's around you, they're there. You cannot reject them and choose another parents or siblings or relatives. Whether you like or not, they're your family and you are theirs. But is it fair? I don't know. I like mine but sometimes I just stop and think of that again. You can't love them hundred percent all the time. Sometimes they make you mad, sometimes they annoy you, sometimes you're fine with them. Depends on the days but at the end of the day, they're still your family and you cannot do anything about it. 

Do I love them? Yeah, I think I do but sometimes I think, what does that even mean? Is it  when you stick with them whatever happens? Is it when you accept them for whoever they are and whatever they do? Is it when you consciously choose them? Is it when you'd rather spend time with them than with others? I don't really know. I've been asking this to myself. I did not have time to learn about this when I was young because I was in survival mode so I grew up learning to choose myself instead. It's what I've known ever since. I learned to fight for myself, love myself, choose myself, and stick with myself. I learned that no one will stick with you but yourself so that's what I know and have mastered all this time. 

So there it is... The answer. I am the one who doesn't know how to love and feel love. I didn't know I was receiving it because I was busy minding my own business. Or maybe, I've doubted the love that is being given to me because no one has told me it's the feeling of being loved and that's what love is. 

Now that I've grown up like this, people expect me to know how to love and be loved. People expect me to know right away how to feel and how to do it. It might be a simple thing for them but it isn't for me. I only know how to be selfish. I only know what love appears like. But anything beyond that point is foreign to me or vague. Maybe that's why I unconsciously reject it. What can I do? 

Yeah, I am helpless. Before I even grasp the feeling of it, people have already given up or turned cold. I don't mind. That's my area of expertise. I know how to deal with it. I've dealt it my whole life. That's how my mind works. If you show me "love", I'd think you want something in return and that I need to do something as well. When you say you love me, I'd doubt it and think it won't last. That's how I am programmed. 

So don't expect me to appreciate everything when no one has done the same thing to me when I was growing up. Don't expect me to know what to do right away when I only know what to do with myself. Don't expect me to have fun with you when you are forcing me to have fun. It won't do us any good. If you won't have patience with me, then don't waste your time. Just leave. 

My previous year.

 There are things that I think about these past few days. Some of them are ugly, some of them are a waste of time, some of them are fine enough to think about, and some are just very random. Most of them are about the previous year, 2024 - still can't believe that was over. 

These are not in order, as most of them come and go. 

1. I think of 2024 and I think it's a fine year. I might have taken it for granted 'cause I didn't expect it to go so fast but now that I think about it, it was a fine year, not boring like what I was thinking of. Even though I was just at home most of the time, I could also go to different places and meet different people. I had enough experience to say it was not as dull as I was expecting it to be. 

2. This year was the year I traveled internationally again. Hong Kong and Macau! Can you believe it? And I had fun! It was a 4-day trip and I couldn't wish for more. We learned how to commute (subway and bus) without even considering taking a cab, 'cause yeah, we know it would cost a lot. It was fun trying to find the correct train and wait for the correct stop. On the third day, going back to the hotel was a breeze. We didn't even need to check the directions anymore. It only felt natural. 

Our experience going to Macau was a little comedic and fun. Imagine being stopped in the immigration? Wow. We could have been stopped right there and missed going to Macau. Good thing the staff was considerate and kind and kinda gives second chances. Good thing for us!

The two of us were all by ourselves and we made all on our own. It was an achievement indeed!

Aside from Hong Kong and Macau, I spent some time with friends in Metro Manila several times. I was with my girl friends and boy friends. It was fun spending time with them. It was fun being with friends you trust and are close with. Quality is indeed better than quantity. 

3. One of the few highlights of my year was going to a concert alone. Thinking about it, my social anxiety might have had a heart attack but going through it was definitely worth it. Knowing I wouldn't be sad alone made me brave enough to try to mingle with others. I didn't care about being rejected 'cause I knew I would be fine either way and mingling with others was the right decision. I thought I would be abandoned halfway but I wasn't. It was also amazing that the people I met were very kind and fun. Even though the three of them were together, they still adopted me the whole day. They also showed the other side of going to concerts, the "being fans" side. Before, we only attended the concert to see our idols, but that time, it wasn't only what I experienced. I had several freebies, extended my hand to get freebies, been with people who gave them, and searched for people who did. Tiring, obviously, but fun. I also started the conversation with my seatmate in the concert causing us sharing comments and screams. We also both have a same bias so that was really cool. One of the best days, indeed!

4. I became a homebody. If I was before, I was more of it now. Reading BL manhwas/mangas/manhuas became my buddy althroughout the year. I read more of them that actually reading a book which I crammed in Nov and Dec. Staying at home and being alone are definitely my sanctuary. 

And because these thoughts come and go, these are the things I can think of at the top of my head. Maybe I can add a few more in the coming days, we'll see. For now, let's settle with these.