I am programmed this way.

 I don't understand love. Heck, I don"t even know if it's something I can understand. Just like what Skylar told Cirrus, maybe I'm the same. Maybe in some way, I have been loved but I don't know it because I don't know what it feels like. I just don't know. 

What is a family? You don't choose them. When you were born and start to have consciousness of what's around you, they're there. You cannot reject them and choose another parents or siblings or relatives. Whether you like or not, they're your family and you are theirs. But is it fair? I don't know. I like mine but sometimes I just stop and think of that again. You can't love them hundred percent all the time. Sometimes they make you mad, sometimes they annoy you, sometimes you're fine with them. Depends on the days but at the end of the day, they're still your family and you cannot do anything about it. 

Do I love them? Yeah, I think I do but sometimes I think, what does that even mean? Is it  when you stick with them whatever happens? Is it when you accept them for whoever they are and whatever they do? Is it when you consciously choose them? Is it when you'd rather spend time with them than with others? I don't really know. I've been asking this to myself. I did not have time to learn about this when I was young because I was in survival mode so I grew up learning to choose myself instead. It's what I've known ever since. I learned to fight for myself, love myself, choose myself, and stick with myself. I learned that no one will stick with you but yourself so that's what I know and have mastered all this time. 

So there it is... The answer. I am the one who doesn't know how to love and feel love. I didn't know I was receiving it because I was busy minding my own business. Or maybe, I've doubted the love that is being given to me because no one has told me it's the feeling of being loved and that's what love is. 

Now that I've grown up like this, people expect me to know how to love and be loved. People expect me to know right away how to feel and how to do it. It might be a simple thing for them but it isn't for me. I only know how to be selfish. I only know what love appears like. But anything beyond that point is foreign to me or vague. Maybe that's why I unconsciously reject it. What can I do? 

Yeah, I am helpless. Before I even grasp the feeling of it, people have already given up or turned cold. I don't mind. That's my area of expertise. I know how to deal with it. I've dealt it my whole life. That's how my mind works. If you show me "love", I'd think you want something in return and that I need to do something as well. When you say you love me, I'd doubt it and think it won't last. That's how I am programmed. 

So don't expect me to appreciate everything when no one has done the same thing to me when I was growing up. Don't expect me to know what to do right away when I only know what to do with myself. Don't expect me to have fun with you when you are forcing me to have fun. It won't do us any good. If you won't have patience with me, then don't waste your time. Just leave.