What are the things that I can and cannot control right now? What can I actively choose to make myself feel better?
I cannot make him like me more. I cannot make him pursue me. I cannot make him to ask us to be official. And I don't think it will be happening anytime soon.
Instead of thinking why he cannot do these things right now and why he keeps me in the backburner, I can make myself choose peace and just don't think about it. It's not an important thing right now.
Well, I can actually remove myself from this type of relationship but I can't do it yet so I'll choose to focus on myself instead. I still enjoy his company anyway. I still enjoy our little talks. It's still fun, sometimes, so I'll just enjoy it while it's here and while it lasts. And while I'm enjoying it, I can work on myself instead. Focus on the things I want to do and what I can do more.
Then what are they?
I exercise 5 times a week and I can continue doing that. It keeps me motivated, active, and makes me good about myself.
I may be low on reading right now because of reading slump but I can try to recover from it. I'll read slowly, just taking time to slide into it again. No rush, just try to read interesting things like this. I know someday it will be okay again.
I can find a new hobby. It's a little difficult to find one right now because I'm not sure what I'm interested in but I know I can find one. Maybe getting into writing again, you know. I'm actually trying it again. I want to use my brain for better things rather than overthinking about trivial things. At least writing will do me good. Overthinking won't.
I'll self-reflect more. It's good to get to know yourself better and think of where you stand on things. I have very poor opinions on things that matter. When people ask me about things, I do not have strong opinion on them which is very disturbing. Maybe because my attachment to this world is little, if not nonexistent, so maybe that's the reason why. I have very strong opinions that don't matter to may people but I don't really care about the things that matter. So, yeah, I'll try to self-reflect more.
I'll fix my bad attitudes and make them good or at least acceptable. I'm still far from being a good person. It's good people cannot read my thoughts or else, they won't want to talk to me. It's all chaos in there, and sometimes it's just white noise. Sometimes I think it might crash, and sometimes I think it's too quiet, it's frightening. Anyway, yeah, I'll fix it slowly but surely. Identify first then work on a solution. It will be hard, I know but as long as I keep my mind to it, something will happen eventually.
Highlighted lines in the the first meditation:
1. Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. As Epictetus said, they can control the choices they make right now.
Reflection for today:
Sometimes, my mood towards him depends on him. It should not be like this. I should stop hesitating and just be myself. Just say whatever you want and express the things that you want to express, as long as they are in line. Don't let him influence your mood. Be you. You can't control him, and he can't control you. Don't be swayed. Fight for yourself elegantly and calmly. Use kind and firm words. Don't cower inside your shell.
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