Confession #7

Being an introvert exhausts my soul.

I do not enjoy being around lots of people especially with people I barely know. I do not look forward speaking in front of a big or small crowd, knowing that there are eyes glued on me. I do not get comfortable with new companions in a day; I may need at least a week. I prefer to listen than to speak. I prefer to stay at home and read my beloved books than to spend my night in a bar. These are just some of the things I can't just delete from my system. That's why when I have to do one or worst, all, my poor soul will be exhausted completely.

Being around with new people fears me the most. It just means that I have to speak, I have to introduce myself, I have to socialize, and I need to adjust myself in everything. Most of the time, I' always tell myself to be the opposite of what I am but I always end up being myself. In the end, people think I am unsociable, weird, awkward, or worse, rude. I am not, and it's not my intention to be one. In most cases, I tend to force myself to do something big which appears to be something less to others. I still do my best but of course, being the best is still subjective.

That's why I appreciate those people who talk to me even though I am awkward, weird or unsociable. I appreciate it so much that it makes me comfortable in a faster pace (maybe a fast pace for me, but not for others; again it's also subjective). I like it even though they just sit beside me and assure me that I am not alone. I like it when they invite me even though I am just new to the group. I look up these people because they know how to handle these situations. I salute them.

I recently just started to join a company. You may know now how that scares the hell out of me. It did but then I was very grateful because my colleagues and boss are all great. I appreciate them so much that even though I know no one, I was able to adjust and get comfortable in a week. I may still be in the process but I can say that I am getting there. It's all thanks to them.

During these times, you can just smile and appreciate some people. You will think that even though the world and some people may seem so cruel, there are still some who have hearts of gold. It's nice. Very heartwarming indeed.
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being alone seems fine.
it has always been me.
but friends come.
yes, some go.
but still, some stay.
and everything's just worth it.
-men.

Confession #6

Sometimes when I am in deep thought, I unconsciously wish to have a simple innocent love story just like what we usually see in TV dramas. 

I started to like someone when I was in high school. I think it's a different form of like. It was more than admiration but less than love. That was when I also started to picture different scenarios in my mind - meeting someone, being friends, feelings going deeper, realizing you like someone, confessing, being together, and so on. Innocent things. Simple ones. More on having butterflies in the stomach. I did have someone to like but it always ended up before we even got together. I didn't complain because it was a good memory and I thought someday I'll have mine. 

People have changed over years and so how they approach relationships. Before you go from the lowest level to a higher one in a slowly but surely manner, but now the levels are all messed up. Change has to happen I know - that is inevitable. Some are in the highest level already without even passing most of the lower levels. Some may start on the lower ones but directly shoot their way up to the highest in no time. What happened? I may haven't gone to the higher levels yet but I am guilty of some other things. But even so, I still wish for that innocent relationship to welcome me again. 

I came across it for three times in my life and they were the best. 

It was my first love for the first time. 

It was a lost love for the second time. 

And it was an unrequited love for the third time. 

All of them played a good part in my past and maybe that's why I always hope to come across that feeling once again. It's fine even if I don't end up in the higher levels once again. I just want to feel again how it feels to love someone gradually; not knowing what it is until it deepens and it hurts and it feels like you cannot hide it any longer and end up confessing and being together for real. 

Yes. That kind of feeling.

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I was just walking

strolling along the park, actually

it took time 

before I realized

I was running 

and out of breath

I stopped

then smiled

as I was not alone anymore

-men.

Confession #5

*Please be advised that content may be a little sensitive for some.*

Last night, I realized I may not be a fan of "being one" with a partner. Not in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Maybe not even in marriage. 

There are times when I think of this thing. I think of what I'd feel and what would happen. I wonder why people do it, why some people think it's a necessity, and why most think it's essential in a relationship especially in marriage. Well, marriage is a different thing but in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, why do some people demand it like the extent of their relationship depends on it? Why? I don't understand. Do people really seek it that much? Is it that difficult to control oneself? Is the urge too strong that one can't say no to it? I don't know. 

I have some friends who told me that there are times when you really want it bad. Some said I'll just know I'd like to do it when I'm emotionally ready. Some said it just happens like it's a natural phenomenon. Ugh. I don't know. The idea of it disgusts me to the point that I'd rather die alone than to be in relationship where that deed is inevitable. This may be the reason alone why I won't have someone in my life. 

I told myself before that I'll never do it with my partner until I am married to him. So in my past relationship, that was a major condition. I know men tend to have their urges. I know sometimes they look for this or worse, expect their partner to say "yes" to this. Well, I don't have a problem with that. They can have it but not with me. They can look for another girl who's willing to give it. If he cheats on me, it's fine. If this will be the reason of our break up, it's fine. I won't bend over backwards just to make him stay. I'd rather break up with him than break my principle. 

But then last night I realized I may not be a fan of it completely. Not in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Maybe not even in marriage. And maybe not even at all. 

I'd rather not enter a relationship where someday even after marriage, I won't still consider to do this with my husband. I'd rather not have someone expect something from me that even after he patiently waited, I still might not have the heart to do it. 

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it's best to stay away

than risk it

leave it, never take it.

better yet, don't even look at it. 

- men.

Confession #4

I don't love my job. I didn't love my last job either.

I've never come to a realization where I stopped and told myself I love what I do. Sometimes I could say it's fine but I never liked any of it that much. I always have this thing what I like about it but not like it as a whole. It may be a little thing for others but not for me. It's like working for money, not passion. I wish I'd find it. I wish someday I'd come across that job and live with it. I wish someday that realization will come to kick me in my guts. I'd be very happy then. Very.

I wish that someday will come.

If not, then... will this life get any better?

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Shine down on me.
Or just come and get me.
Both will be fine.

-men.

Confession #3

If they would ask me to give one of my classes to another teacher, I would rather teach them all.

Before, I wished for another teacher to come here so that some of my classes would be given. I would not think twice to give half of them. I'd happily give them to another.
However, if I'd do it now, I'd be sad. I would not know what class to give up because I learned to love all of them. They may be a pain in the biscuit but I love them. I love how different they are from each other and I even love how unruly they are. I may not like teaching that much but I can say that the only thing that makes me stay is having them as my students. I don't care whether they like me or not. I can't please all of them. What's important is that I enjoy their class. So, choosing is definitely difficult for me. Very difficult. It's like choosing between my books. It's that hard.

Well, if they really make me do it, I'd rather have my manager decide. My only request is for my favorite class to still be my class. Hey. No judgement. There will always be a favorite class, whether you meant for it to happen or not.
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Left eye or right eye.
Head or feet.
Heart or brain.
Don't make me choose.
It's devastating.

-men.

Confession #2

I sometimes get tired of life.

Well, I think we all do. I sometimes reach the point where I just stop, stare and wonder what life really is about. I sometimes even think that we’re just pawn pieces in a big world of chess. Sometimes I question everything that’s been happening around me. I don’t know. When I lie on my bed every night, I always have this thought that we’re just machines, advanced machines. We’re programmed to think like this, to live, to struggle, to keep on going on, and to never stop dreaming about the future and what life could offer more. And for those people who stop and give up, something might have happened to their “wires” so they just suddenly shut down. Some may not survive but some may because they have someone to help them fix the problem. Weird, right?

I don’t know. I just think like this sometimes. I feel that whenever I’m in this state, my soul leaves my physical body and explores around. Sometimes I feel like daydreaming, eyes wide open but not really being there. And then, poof! I just come back to reality every time.

But is this reality really is “the” reality?

Well, I may be thinking too much. Overthinking may really kill me one day. That’s for sure. So don’t be surprised when that really happened. Maybe that’s when I finally found a way to the real one. 
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They fly, they transform

They strike in every way possible

They die, oh no they don't

They live in dust, in pain, and in our soul

-men. 

Confession #1

I still sometimes think of my first love, Andrei.

They say that you won’t forget your first love whatever happens. You may fall in love with somebody else or end up with another but still, your first love will forever hold a special place in your heart. I believe in this.

Others may end up with their first love, but most won’t. It will always be just a memory planted inside your head, reminding you of things you may or may not miss. I don’t miss him. I don’t long for him. I don’t wish for him to return. My mind usually does things that make me think of him. I dream of him every now and then. I remember him in some situations or whenever I see or hear things. In those times, I feel so nostalgic. I feel thankful for him. There’s a big possibility that we may not end up with each other and that’s fine. I’ve accepted that fact for a long time already. I did. I think my mind really likes to play games with me, to tease me. And I let it. It is fun remembering him. I feel happy I met him. He will always have a room in my heart and I’m more than happy to let him. He’s my first love after all.
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Crumpled and old
Like a forgotten paper,
A person of my past
Long long ago,
But undeniably
Irreplaceable.

-men.

too late.

lonely girl drifting along the sea
arms spread out, eyes lost and numb
lonely girl, alone out in the open sea
won't you just come back home with me?

lonely girl with a deep stab on the heart
stop and stare, please lend me your eyes
lonely girl, lonely girl, come here
i beg you, please come back home with me

lost boy, here i am, but where are you?
i can't see you, were you drifted away?
lost boy, come see me here,
oh i'd love to go back home with you.

lost boy, i saw you but you disappeared
i reached my hand out for you,
lost boy, won't you return here with me?
let's finally go back home together.
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i reached out, you didn't
it's your loss, not mine.
-men.

More Than You'll Ever Know

Can't express how much i love you.
Can't make out how much i care.
I just know i love you so much.
More than you'll ever know.

I'll miss everything about you.
Your voice. Your smell.
Your laugh. Your smile.
They make me sane, they give me joy
They give me love, more than you'll ever know.

Sometimes I wish time would go fast,
Faster that we'll be together day and night.
Sometimes I wish you'd finally be on your knee
Laying out our future in front of us.

But that would be a waste of time,
A waste of everything that can happen
If time would go just the way it is,
Then I might even love you more than you'll ever know.

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Things explode when they are full.
If I were a bomb, I would've exploded a long time ago.
-men. 

Don't Wake Me Just Yet

don't wake me just yet
i still have smiles to make,
laughter to hear,
sights to see;

don't wake me just yet
i still have people to understand,
people to ask for forgiveness,
people to love and cherish;

don't wake me just yet
i still haven't reached my goals,
found my dreams,
completed my promises.

don't wake me just yet
not now, not later,
please, don't wake me just yet
or just don't wake me at all.

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monsters eat you, they devour you.
they hibernate, they sleep,
they never leave, never die.

-men.