An Open Letter for you.

I don't know when you can read this or if you can read this at all but I will believe that when the right time comes, you can eventually read this. 

There are several things I want to tell you in person but I can't seem to have enough courage to tell it. I wanted to, last time, but we did not have enough time and I didn't know whether you even wanted to talk to me. Maybe, there's a part in me that thinks I don't deserve your time anymore, that maybe you are better off without me, that maybe all I caused you was pain so shouldn't be bothering you anymore. 

Because of that, all I can do is to do this open letter for you.

I thought I was over you. I thought I'd moved on already but I was mistaken. Seeing you made me realize that I still love you and that I still care a lot. Maybe the reason why I wasn't ready to see you before was because I knew my mask would crack and I would break down. I didn't want you to see me like that so I chose not to see you. I thought this time I was ready but it seems that I am still not yet. 

I see you've changed a lot over the past months and because of that, I don't know if there's still a place for me in you. I know both of us were hurting in the past months and I was just better at hiding it, but I was still in pain nevertheless. But that doesn't erase the fact that I still hurt you and sorry for leaving you just like that. I had my reasons, please know that. I did not leave just because I felt like leaving. No. I left because I was breaking apart. My whole self was breaking. I couldn't handle anything anymore. I won't go into details anymore because that was in the past already but please do know that I've tried to fight for us for a long time internally. There are things that I wish I did but I cannot turn back time now. Everything has happened already. It has ended. 

After we talked, I realized how much I missed you. I missed talking to you. I missed spending time with you. I missed everything. I wanted to hug you, at least. But I stopped myself even though it was hard. I wanted us again just like before but I also know that it's not something I can wish. I don't want to break you again, not after everything you did to move forward again. You deserve more. You deserve to have someone who can treat you better, you know. 

If there will come a time that we can have each other again, I will welcome you with open arms if you want to have me. But when that time happens, I want to be a better version of myself. The version of me now is still unstable and still needs healing, a lot of it. If we get back together now, we might see the same ending again. I want to be better first. I want to love myself again first before I find myself in a relationship again. I want to make sure that I am completely ready before I dive in again. So when we are together again, I can deserve you again. 

But if our roads do not cross again, then I wish you well. I know you can do anything you set your mind to and I wish you all the happiness in this world. Thank you for everything and do know that I am happy to have met you. Sorry for causing you pain and I hope you forgive me for it. Even if we're apart, my heart will always love you. You will always have a special place in my heart until we're old and gray. 

Thank you, love.