Daily Stoic series: Day 2 and Day 3.

Day 2: Education is Freedom. 

Gaining knowledge about something really is liberating. It makes you realize or consider things that did not interest you before. It gives you an opinion on things that confused you before. You understand things better and, therefore, understand the why and how things happen. 

Reading has always been a hobby of mine since I was young. I grew up reading almanacs, atlas, dictionaries, story books, picture books, the Bible, anything that I can get my hands on, I'll read it. It made me happy to learn new things, real or not real. As I grew up, I slowly leaned on fiction books. Most nonfiction books are used in school, so I got tired of them. So when I had free time, I'd bury myself with stories outside reality. I used to have a very wide imagination. I'd imagine a lot of things and play by myself, even talk to myself - yeah, I was weird. Anyway, whenever I read new stories, I'd be so happy that my imagination would run even wilder. Is that how drugs make you feel? 

It may be a stretch but I think this is my take in this lesson. I may need to widen my horizon, try to pick up a wider range of books so I'll know myself more. This will also help me have an opinion on things I don't have interest in or do not really know. I need to think about where I stand in some things so I won't be influenced too much by others. 

Day 3: Be Ruthless to the Things that Don't Matter

Know what really matters from those that do not. Don't be impulsive. Don't be swayed by strong emotions. Don't decide on something right away. Stop and think before saying YES. Don't hesitate to say NO to insignificant things. Regulate your emotions and control them. They don't control you.. 

Two things that I need to know from this lesson:

1. Know what matters. 

2. Don't be impulsive; control your emotions. 

Sometimes, I forget what really matters from those that do not. Because I don't want to throw anything away, I agree to collect even the trash, which makes it difficult to see the importance of gold. 

What is important in my life right now? What makes me happy? What are my priorities? I need to figure them out before my storage runs out. I need to contemplate. I need to stop, think, and then decide before I say or agree to anything.

Is it worth my time? Will it make me happy? Is it necessary right now? Will it have a big impact on my life if I don't agree or do it right now? Will I regret it? How will it impact my life, my future? Will I look back on this someday or will it just be something I'd forget in the long run? 

Right now, saving is important, yes, but I need to treasure life more. I want to see and experience different places. I want to be with friends and spend time with them. But I also need to slow down and take it easy. Yes, life is short and we do not know what tomorrow holds but I need to slow down. Yeah? Another thing is health, especially my mental health. My mental health is not great, I know, so I need to take care of it more. How can I enjoy life if all I see is negative, right? 

As for emotions, acting on strong emotions is dangerous. Too happy or too sad, or too angry. Regulate your emotions first, then think, and then decide. Same pattern. Yeah?

After you decide, and you know that they're not important, then learn to say NO. Only then will you see the beauty and value of the things that really matter. 

Daily Stoic series: Control and Choice

What are the things that I can and cannot control right now? What can I actively choose to make myself feel better? 

I cannot make him like me more. I cannot make him pursue me. I cannot make him to ask us to be official. And I don't think it will be happening anytime soon. 

Instead of thinking why he cannot do these things right now and why he keeps me in the backburner, I can make myself choose peace and just don't think about it. It's not an important thing right now. 

Well, I can actually remove myself from this type of relationship but I can't do it yet so I'll choose to focus on myself instead. I still enjoy his company anyway. I still enjoy our little talks. It's still fun, sometimes, so I'll just enjoy it while it's here and while it lasts. And while I'm enjoying it, I can work on myself instead. Focus on the things I want to do and what I can do more. 

Then what are they? 

I exercise 5 times a week and I can continue doing that. It keeps me motivated, active, and makes me good about myself. 

I may be low on reading right now because of reading slump but I can try to recover from it. I'll read slowly, just taking time to slide into it again. No rush, just try to read interesting things like this. I know someday it will be okay again. 

I can find a new hobby. It's a little difficult to find one right now because I'm not sure what I'm interested in but I know I can find one. Maybe getting into writing again, you know. I'm actually trying it again. I want to use my brain for better things rather than overthinking about trivial things. At least writing will do me good. Overthinking won't. 

I'll self-reflect more. It's good to get to know yourself better and think of where you stand on things. I have very poor opinions on things that matter. When people ask me about things, I do not have strong opinion on them which is very disturbing. Maybe because my attachment to this world is little, if not nonexistent, so maybe that's the reason why. I have very strong opinions that don't matter to may people but I don't really care about the things that matter. So, yeah, I'll try to self-reflect more. 

I'll fix my bad attitudes and make them good or at least acceptable. I'm still far from being a good person. It's good people cannot read my thoughts or else, they won't want to talk to me. It's all chaos in there, and sometimes it's just white noise. Sometimes I think it might crash, and sometimes I think it's too quiet, it's frightening. Anyway, yeah, I'll fix it slowly but surely. Identify first then work on a solution. It will be hard, I know but as long as I keep my mind to it, something will happen eventually. 

Highlighted lines in the the first meditation:

1. Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

2. As Epictetus said, they can control the choices they make right now. 

Reflection for today:

Sometimes, my mood towards him depends on him. It should not be like this. I should stop hesitating and just be myself. Just say whatever you want and express the things that you want to express, as long as they are in line. Don't let him influence your mood. Be you. You can't control him, and he can't control you. Don't be swayed. Fight for yourself elegantly and calmly. Use kind and firm words. Don't cower inside your shell. 

Masked Intentions

 you dipped your toes and you tell me you've done enough

you peeked through the cracks and you tell me you hold her heart

you've done absolutely nothing, you make me laugh

you're not even halfway in, not even at the start

good mornings and good nights are barely the standard

updates and whatnots are mostly noise between spaces

understanding small things like these, is it even that hard?

these things do not fill the gaps, they don't even hold the bases

you tell her you like her, that you wish she's within reach

but your actions do not match your god-forsaken speech

you thank her endlessly for doing all these things, 

but what does it do, when all you do is nothing? 

if you cannot promise to hold her, why not let her go?

is your soul that broken and can't give up that pathetic ego?

why keep her chained with empty promises and sweet nothings?

are you perhaps afraid of becoming a husk and an unworthy human being?

your problem is not hers, don't drag her with you, 

she's not there to make you seem like a man

if you truly care for her and don't want her to feel blue

let her be with a man who can fulfill all your empty plans

I am programmed this way.

 I don't understand love. Heck, I don"t even know if it's something I can understand. Just like what Skylar told Cirrus, maybe I'm the same. Maybe in some way, I have been loved but I don't know it because I don't know what it feels like. I just don't know. 

What is a family? You don't choose them. When you were born and start to have consciousness of what's around you, they're there. You cannot reject them and choose another parents or siblings or relatives. Whether you like or not, they're your family and you are theirs. But is it fair? I don't know. I like mine but sometimes I just stop and think of that again. You can't love them hundred percent all the time. Sometimes they make you mad, sometimes they annoy you, sometimes you're fine with them. Depends on the days but at the end of the day, they're still your family and you cannot do anything about it. 

Do I love them? Yeah, I think I do but sometimes I think, what does that even mean? Is it  when you stick with them whatever happens? Is it when you accept them for whoever they are and whatever they do? Is it when you consciously choose them? Is it when you'd rather spend time with them than with others? I don't really know. I've been asking this to myself. I did not have time to learn about this when I was young because I was in survival mode so I grew up learning to choose myself instead. It's what I've known ever since. I learned to fight for myself, love myself, choose myself, and stick with myself. I learned that no one will stick with you but yourself so that's what I know and have mastered all this time. 

So there it is... The answer. I am the one who doesn't know how to love and feel love. I didn't know I was receiving it because I was busy minding my own business. Or maybe, I've doubted the love that is being given to me because no one has told me it's the feeling of being loved and that's what love is. 

Now that I've grown up like this, people expect me to know how to love and be loved. People expect me to know right away how to feel and how to do it. It might be a simple thing for them but it isn't for me. I only know how to be selfish. I only know what love appears like. But anything beyond that point is foreign to me or vague. Maybe that's why I unconsciously reject it. What can I do? 

Yeah, I am helpless. Before I even grasp the feeling of it, people have already given up or turned cold. I don't mind. That's my area of expertise. I know how to deal with it. I've dealt it my whole life. That's how my mind works. If you show me "love", I'd think you want something in return and that I need to do something as well. When you say you love me, I'd doubt it and think it won't last. That's how I am programmed. 

So don't expect me to appreciate everything when no one has done the same thing to me when I was growing up. Don't expect me to know what to do right away when I only know what to do with myself. Don't expect me to have fun with you when you are forcing me to have fun. It won't do us any good. If you won't have patience with me, then don't waste your time. Just leave. 

My previous year.

 There are things that I think about these past few days. Some of them are ugly, some of them are a waste of time, some of them are fine enough to think about, and some are just very random. Most of them are about the previous year, 2024 - still can't believe that was over. 

These are not in order, as most of them come and go. 

1. I think of 2024 and I think it's a fine year. I might have taken it for granted 'cause I didn't expect it to go so fast but now that I think about it, it was a fine year, not boring like what I was thinking of. Even though I was just at home most of the time, I could also go to different places and meet different people. I had enough experience to say it was not as dull as I was expecting it to be. 

2. This year was the year I traveled internationally again. Hong Kong and Macau! Can you believe it? And I had fun! It was a 4-day trip and I couldn't wish for more. We learned how to commute (subway and bus) without even considering taking a cab, 'cause yeah, we know it would cost a lot. It was fun trying to find the correct train and wait for the correct stop. On the third day, going back to the hotel was a breeze. We didn't even need to check the directions anymore. It only felt natural. 

Our experience going to Macau was a little comedic and fun. Imagine being stopped in the immigration? Wow. We could have been stopped right there and missed going to Macau. Good thing the staff was considerate and kind and kinda gives second chances. Good thing for us!

The two of us were all by ourselves and we made all on our own. It was an achievement indeed!

Aside from Hong Kong and Macau, I spent some time with friends in Metro Manila several times. I was with my girl friends and boy friends. It was fun spending time with them. It was fun being with friends you trust and are close with. Quality is indeed better than quantity. 

3. One of the few highlights of my year was going to a concert alone. Thinking about it, my social anxiety might have had a heart attack but going through it was definitely worth it. Knowing I wouldn't be sad alone made me brave enough to try to mingle with others. I didn't care about being rejected 'cause I knew I would be fine either way and mingling with others was the right decision. I thought I would be abandoned halfway but I wasn't. It was also amazing that the people I met were very kind and fun. Even though the three of them were together, they still adopted me the whole day. They also showed the other side of going to concerts, the "being fans" side. Before, we only attended the concert to see our idols, but that time, it wasn't only what I experienced. I had several freebies, extended my hand to get freebies, been with people who gave them, and searched for people who did. Tiring, obviously, but fun. I also started the conversation with my seatmate in the concert causing us sharing comments and screams. We also both have a same bias so that was really cool. One of the best days, indeed!

4. I became a homebody. If I was before, I was more of it now. Reading BL manhwas/mangas/manhuas became my buddy althroughout the year. I read more of them that actually reading a book which I crammed in Nov and Dec. Staying at home and being alone are definitely my sanctuary. 

And because these thoughts come and go, these are the things I can think of at the top of my head. Maybe I can add a few more in the coming days, we'll see. For now, let's settle with these. 

If I were not a coward...

If I were not a coward, I would've told you in that letter years ago that I like you, not liked you. 

If I were not a coward, I would not have even given you a letter but told you myself. 

I would've told you how much I have been liking you and how I couldn't contain it anymore. But I didn't. 

If I were not a coward, I would've told you how you made my last year in college fun and exciting. It was actually one of the years I still think of until today and I would've told you then that how I was sure I would treasure it forever. 

I would've told you how I liked the hours we spent talking, the walks we did, the food we ate, the nights we spent goofing around, the few mornings we celebrated, and that one hug we shared. 

My admiration, my affection for you then was innocent and harmless. I liked the company you offered and I was happy with that. I actually didn't know what I wanted to do with that feeling, if I want us to be in a relationship or if I want more years than that. I was already happy with the days, weeks, months we shared and I couldn't ask for more. It was one of the years when my heart was clear and free from the dark smoke it always had. 

But I was a coward. And I was vague. And I did not make my feelings known as what they were. I pretended it was something else and thought it would be fine. Clearly, even though I have been telling myself I wouldn't care about your reaction, I knew deep down I would still. 

And yes, it was what you have given me, or the lack of it. Still, in the end, I was still disappointed. The ending was still the same. Now, I can't help but think if it would be different if, even just once, I were not a coward.

Jude, oh, Jude.

I perfectly understand you. I understand why you did what you did and I don't blame you for it. Life is tough, so is everything that comes with it. Living is worse. Finding a good reason to live is worst. 

You may only exist in paper but I can feel you. You are within me, silently asking for help, silently wishing someone to hear the knocks I am making. I grew numb the longer I read you and maybe that's because that's what pain does to someone who constantly feels it. You just grow numb to it unknowingly and you just wish for it to end. 

You are braver than me when you did what you did. I am not brave enough to do that, but I understand how you chose to live in spite of the pain. Or maybe not. Maybe our reasons are different. But even so, I know both of our roots are not deeply rooted to the earth and I know we'll let go once a typhoon comes to root us out. I know I will. 

You found your Willem, maybe I won't find mine. That's okay. 'Cause I know when I find mine, I won't last three years when I lose him. You are strong. 

Why do they insist on us living when we obviously don't want to? I was frustrated when they forced you to live. Isn't that the same as murder? Forcing someone to live is like killing someone. Same cruetly. Maybe it won't make sense to others, but it makes sense to me. You just want everything to stop but they still insist on you to breathe. You feel every needle piercing inside you, it's making you go crazy and you just don't want to feel anything anymore. 

You must be happy with Willem up there now, aren't you? Must be nice. I wish I was brave as you so I will be happy, too.