An Open Letter for you.

I don't know when you can read this or if you can read this at all but I will believe that when the right time comes, you can eventually read this. 

There are several things I want to tell you in person but I can't seem to have enough courage to tell it. I wanted to, last time, but we did not have enough time and I didn't know whether you even wanted to talk to me. Maybe, there's a part in me that thinks I don't deserve your time anymore, that maybe you are better off without me, that maybe all I caused you was pain so shouldn't be bothering you anymore. 

Because of that, all I can do is to do this open letter for you.

I thought I was over you. I thought I'd moved on already but I was mistaken. Seeing you made me realize that I still love you and that I still care a lot. Maybe the reason why I wasn't ready to see you before was because I knew my mask would crack and I would break down. I didn't want you to see me like that so I chose not to see you. I thought this time I was ready but it seems that I am still not yet. 

I see you've changed a lot over the past months and because of that, I don't know if there's still a place for me in you. I know both of us were hurting in the past months and I was just better at hiding it, but I was still in pain nevertheless. But that doesn't erase the fact that I still hurt you and sorry for leaving you just like that. I had my reasons, please know that. I did not leave just because I felt like leaving. No. I left because I was breaking apart. My whole self was breaking. I couldn't handle anything anymore. I won't go into details anymore because that was in the past already but please do know that I've tried to fight for us for a long time internally. There are things that I wish I did but I cannot turn back time now. Everything has happened already. It has ended. 

After we talked, I realized how much I missed you. I missed talking to you. I missed spending time with you. I missed everything. I wanted to hug you, at least. But I stopped myself even though it was hard. I wanted us again just like before but I also know that it's not something I can wish. I don't want to break you again, not after everything you did to move forward again. You deserve more. You deserve to have someone who can treat you better, you know. 

If there will come a time that we can have each other again, I will welcome you with open arms if you want to have me. But when that time happens, I want to be a better version of myself. The version of me now is still unstable and still needs healing, a lot of it. If we get back together now, we might see the same ending again. I want to be better first. I want to love myself again first before I find myself in a relationship again. I want to make sure that I am completely ready before I dive in again. So when we are together again, I can deserve you again. 

But if our roads do not cross again, then I wish you well. I know you can do anything you set your mind to and I wish you all the happiness in this world. Thank you for everything and do know that I am happy to have met you. Sorry for causing you pain and I hope you forgive me for it. Even if we're apart, my heart will always love you. You will always have a special place in my heart until we're old and gray. 

Thank you, love. 

My MDZS Relapse, maybe part 1

I started to read SVSSS today and I decided to listen to The Untamed's OST while reading. It was a mistake! I can't focus on reading SVSSS as the memories of MDZS keeps on flashing back. I haven't watched the Donghua version of MDZS yet so what I was remembering were the scenes of The Untamed series. 

As you all know, The main characters have their own OST in The Untamed. When I first realized that these songs are dedicated to each character - some actors also sang their own character's song, I was delighted. It seems that the characters were alive and telling their stories and emotion through this song. It was both heartbreaking and beautiful. 

My favorite was, of course, the OST of Wei Wuxian, Qu Jin Chen Qing which was sung by Xiao Zhan. I like the voice of Xiao Zhan, but it was the message of the song that moved me. Well, all of the OSTs of the characters make me tear up. They are all fantastic. 

Before I go through this song, I want to start with Bu Wang. It was a song dedicated to Lan Zhan. This song talks about the struggle of Lan Zhan between what is considered generally right and what is right for his heart. A battle between the mind and the heart. As we all know. Lan Zhan was raised as a model student/cultivator. His mind was instilled with the rights and the wrong, with what's considered right and wrong by the older generation or the public. Since meeting Wei Ying, his world has changed little by little unintentionally. But because he was still young, he didn't know how to handle this emotion. When he started to have feelings for Wei Ying and Wei Ying started to do things that were considered evil by the common people, he was convinced that Wei Ying was indeed being consumed by evil and he tried to persuade Wei Ying to stop, calm him down, and to even hide him in Cloud Recesses. He didn't know what else to do. He knows he wants to save him and be there for him but because of his principles, he cannot cross the line and be there for Wei Ying a hundred percent. With this, he lost him eventually and this became his life regret. Through this song, the pain can be felt. The immense pain after Wei Ying died and how he could have saved him devoured him over and over again. He might have tried calling his soul, punishing himself, isolating himself from the world because of this. I cannot imagine the regret and pain he was feeling. It must have killed him to live with this. So when he had the chance to meet Wei Ying again, he went all in. He did not hesitate anymore. He believed in him, supported him, and did not leave his side. He didn't care for what others will say of him. He didn't care if this will taint his reputation. All he cared about was being there for Wei Ying. 

"I locked my feelings a long time ago when Mother chose to leave me. Since then, I thought nothing can terrify me anymore. However, in that Nightless City, when you stood at the edge of the cliff with tears flowing from your eyes, I never knew that a tomorrow without you in it will become my greatest fear. I saw helplessness in your eyes and I knew what you were thinking. I tried to talk you out of it, to persuade you to come back. I tried to run to you, to hold you up, to still persuade you, but your eyes showed me your pain. I knew then I wasn't enough for you to live anymore. It hurt but I didn't care. I just wanted you to come back, even if it was not for me. But, it was too late. I was too late."

"After your death, all I was able to see was my regret, my hesitation, my ignorance. I should have been there for you when no one believed you and when you are alone. I should have never doubted you. I can't imagine you being alone in that world when I could have been there. It was a miracle to have met you again. Knowing that you will be there when I reach out my hand is something I can't put my head around, thus, I will not waste it. This time, I will be there for you as long as you want to. You can treat me however you like. Always know that I believe you and I support you. Don't think that you will be alone again. Don't be afraid, I will always be here. For sure."

Okay. I am overflowing with Lan Zhan's feelings now. Too much. I can't bear the pain anymore. Hearing Bu Wang again made me remember the hardship of Lan Zhan and his dedication when Wei Ying came back. They were perfect for each other. They deserve each other. They deserve what they have. They deserve their happiness. 

Since I poured out all my emotions, I do not have the strength to continue anymore. I'll come back when I have the emotions to continue this again. 

tian guan ci fu dump

 i finished reading tian guan ci fu yesterday and i can say it as a heartbreaking but nevertheless beautiful story. not just for the main couple, but also for the side characters. i was in awe the whole time how the author, mo xiang tong xiu, thought of the whole story. i read that she wrote the whole story because of a specific scene she imagined. i was definitely amazed by that. her imagination, world-building, and style of writing are definitely top-notch. 

let's start with the world-building. there may be several stories with almost the same world as this but this is the first time i experienced reading this kind of world. from the heavenly capital to the ghost realms, to the rules and conditions, to the scenarios, oh the plot. very chef kiss. she might have had help from others but i think most came from her research and imagination. i read that she researched and visited several places for foundation or motivation but she completely created the story and characters from scratch. so good. so so so good. 

for the characters, most if not everyone has been explored. the life stories, the personalities, the quirks, the flaws. i understood why they do the way they do. i understood why they said what they said. and the personalities totally matched the dialogue. so perfect! the author really is so good with her craft. it feels like i really met these characters and interacted with them. i loved some of them and hated some. i just love how they were created. even though there are a lot of characters, not one has the same plain personality as another. it was good. 

for the plot, oh dear. another chef kiss. at fist, i thought the story is just random and can be read even without reading an arc. it's good that i read without skipping because every arc is important. it is not like episodal at all! they are all intertwined with another. and, as i was reading, i was thinking how mxtx thought of that scenario or thought of that twist. it's like her mind is another universe and i want to live in it. i believe there are invaluable treasures buried in there. penny for your thoughts? no. a penny will never be enough for hers. 

for our hualian. hualian, hualian. oh hualian. need i say more? you will be the death of me. ehem hua cheng. at first i though xie lian is just a typical main character. i thought i would not love him the way i loved wei wuxian. but boy i was wrong. while wei wuxian is definitely gold, xie lian is a diamond. xie lian is in his own league. he seems to be someone who needs protection but he definitely doesn't. sometimes i think hua cheng is really not needed to protect him. xie lian can definitely protect himself. but of course, hua cheng is definitely needed in xie lian's life. they need each other. they are made for each other. soulmates as well. there is no one more suited than them for each other. 

their past is definitely not easy, not rainbows and butterflies. i thought it will be a fluffy story but nooooo, i was so wrong. the pain was indescribable. the things that they went through. how xie lian suffered before his second ascension and how hua cheng wasn't able to do anything to save xie lian. the way they screamed together during the pain. oh. thinking about it makes my heart ache for them. xie lian may have moved on from the past but definitely not hua cheng. i cried when i read he still cannot forget how xie lian was stabbed and will not permit xie lian to be stabbed by any sword again. even though xie lian was used to the pain, hua cheng still doesn't want xie lian to feel any pain again. 

this story is just so sad. when i finished the story, i was finally able to sigh of relief. finally, finally they are together, free from pain of the world. finally, they are free to love and be with each other. finally. they deserve everything. 

mo dao zu shi dump

this post will be more like a stream of consciousness. i just want to express my feelings, my emotion towards chen qing ling or the untamed or mo dao zu shi in its entirety. it's been so long since i've felt this kind of emotion towards something. i can't really express how it is but it's like feeling everything all at once, all at the same time. my heart, my body, my entire core cannot take it all. i feel like i'm bursting. i feel like not feeling the reality and feeding myself this fantasy world as a whole. for a month, i've done nothing but to fangirl about this world. the characters. the story. the casts in the drama. the osts. everything. i feel like crying every time but i just can't. i want to hug it, to give it my everything. the dedication is there. i can't seem to put it down. i can't seem to move on. i can't seem to look at another dtama, another story, another cast. my eyes, my heart, my soul just want them. nobody else. it's like i'm in this haze. i just float. if this is how drugs are, then i'm in it. totally. i have fallen down this hole and not willing to climb up. i want to stay in this hole forever. it seems like reality is my fantasy and this fantasy is my new reality. it is very unhealthy but i'm willing to be in it. 

oh xiao zhan. oh yi bo. wei ying. lan zhan. you're the main reason i'm in this mess. no, not mess. i'm quite grateful for this experience. for this world. for this feeling. you are both perfect. you're the reason i'm still here. without you, i think i'm still the same me. since you came into my life, i've laughed, i've smiled, i've been excited. i love how you fit each other. i love how you are to each other. you make love and relationship worth it when you are with the right person. it's something i know you have and i'm happy to witness it with you. i've already given up on meeting someone but you make it something to be envious about. it's like i want what you two have. it's like i also want it for myself. i know i don't and won't have it but i'm more than happy to see you both have it. it's more than enough. my heart aches when i read your story, may it be in the novel, or drama or in real life. i wish you stay with each other until the end. i wish life will give you all the blessings that you deserve. i won't wish to have it. i just wish that whatever slight blessings i have in love will just be given to you both. i just love you so much. you deserve each other so much. 

mo dao zu shi, you are a wonder. you are the perfect scenery i'd like to see every day. you are forever etched in my heart and you will always have a special place in it. the story is so chef kiss that every single character is well-written. i've fallen in love with the writing. with everything. oh, to read your story. my heart aches for you. my heart goes for you. my heart is for you. i don't care if some people do not appreciate you. my appreciation for you is mountainous that no one can beat it, no one can top it. 

 

i wish i have seen you earlier but i think the timing is perfect. you are here when i need you the most. i'm in my loneliest time and you lightened up my days. you saved me literally. you just did not save me once. you are saving me still. even though my breaks knowing that you have ended, i am still grateful that you are still there. you've given me memories that will forever be treasured. thank you so much. 

xiao zhan. yi bo. you are the perfect actors for the main characters. we, the fans, will forever be grateful that you fought for it. i can't express how much you mean to me these days. you keep me going. you are both the energy i need to wake up these days. you are both the most essential beings in my life today. whatever relationship you have, i wish you both the best. if it's true that you are in a private relationship, i will support you until the end. i wish you can someday see your wishes come to life. 

thank you for everything. 

March 2023 Highlights

So, I have thought to do this just now so I do not have a record for January and February 2023. I also cannot think of any highlight for those two months so let's just move on to March. 

Here are the highlights of my March 2023. 

1. On the top of my head, of course, it's Stray Kids Manila Concert. I was with Lancel and it was one of the greatest nights of my life. Definitely one of them, if not the most. Stray Kids jjang! I still cannot explain the entirety of my emotions during that time. It was definitely mixed, but of course, all good emotions. I will never get over seeing them, especially my bias, Felix. Even if I get amnesia, I refuse to forget this moment. 

2. Moving out of the apartment. Jane and I stayed there for a year - even though some months we were away. It was fun to have a roommate especially if you have a lot of topics to talk about. So yeah, after a year, we decided to not renew the contract and just go home so we can save money. Haha. 

I think these two are the only highlights. We'll wait and see in the upcoming months whether there will be a lot more. 

Cheers.